i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
