I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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