Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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