So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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