i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
