I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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