Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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