My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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