if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize