i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I love you. Go after that dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
