The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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