I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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