Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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