You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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