I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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