I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
