she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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