We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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