Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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