Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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