He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you didnt know i had herpes?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
