I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
