Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
