I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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