Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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