Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
