happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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