I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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