i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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