i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
