Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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