if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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