I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
