hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
