Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
