what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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