she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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