capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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