Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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