If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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