don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I forget how to act sober
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
