mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
