Your face is a jimmy john
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
