I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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