next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
