FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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