i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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