i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
