i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
