I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
