If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
