next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
