so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
