Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
