do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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