it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
