I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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