I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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