he puts the penis in happiness.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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